What Should a Christian Do After a Break Up?

By Matt Enser

Oftentimes, people will say just forget and move on after a breakup. While yes, you should move on, there must be a time of reflection before taking a step toward dating again. Sometimes people will suggest forgetting and moving on immediately to get your mind off the last relationship. While this might work for a little bit, it’s only fleeting. These rebound relationships will only leave you more hurt because of the unprocessed hurt that never healed from the previous relationship. The only way to move on in a healthy way is to face the wounds, process the hurt, and think about the relationship.

No matter the length of the relationship, I suggest you take time to look internally and externally about why the breakup happened. Internally should come first, and then look at the actions of your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Let’s face it, you can do a lot more to improve yourself than you can that other person. As Matthew 7:5 says, “first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Now to be clear, I am not suggesting you should work to get the speck out of your ex’s eye by direct contact because that won’t be helpful for either of you moving on, but you should pray for that speck to be removed by the believers in your ex’s life. 

Internal Reflection

The biggest thing you should do is look at what things you could have done better or maybe things you did that brought out the bad parts of the other person. Think about ways you can move forward to be a better reflection of Christ (Romans 8:29). This way you will be better off for your next relationship. The biggest thing you should think about is, are you currently who you would want to be dating? I don’t mean that in a sense you need to find someone who is exactly like you. Of course, you don’t want to date an exact copy of yourself, but are you running at the pace towards Jesus you would expect a future spouse to run? If not, pick up the pace. You won’t find a person to run with if you’re walking in the slow lane. 

Questions To Ask Yourself After a Break Up:

  • Did I cross any boundaries?
  • Did I communicate well?
  • Did I idolize the relationship? 
  • Did I treat the relationship like it was more important than my relationship with The Father?
  • Did I leave this relationship a better reflection of Jesus? Would you say your Ex did?
  • Did I treat the person I was dating the way I would want to be treated?
  • If the roles were reversed, would I have been glad I dated myself?
  • Would it be beneficial to unpack the relationship with a fellow believer, pastor, and/or Christian counselor? 
  • Overall, what did I learn from this relationship?

If you don’t measure up, know that Jesus’s grace is sufficient for you (2 Corinthians 12:9), but He doesn’t give us grace, so we stay where we are but to bring us to repentance. So let the power of grace motivate your works (James 2:18).

External Reflection

Dating is all about finding who to marry and marriage is about fighting the good fight found in 2 Timothy 4:7 together. If a relationship didn’t work out, that is okay. That just means you didn’t find each other to be a good fit for whatever reason. It is important to nail down those particular reasons, so you have a better perspective going into the next relationship. Write down the things you liked and didn’t like about that person. If you have written a list of qualities you are hoping for in a future spouse, this would be a good time to reference that and compare. You may want to edit that list some and that’s okay, but make sure to edit prayerfully. 

Questions To Ask Yourself About Your Ex After a Break Up:

  • Did they make me more like Jesus?
  • Did they inspire/encourage you to dive deeper into your faith?
  • Did they put me in moral compromising situations? 
  • Did I let them put me in those situations?
  • Did they pull you away from your community?
  • What were your favorite and least favorite parts about them?
  • What did dating them teach me about what I would hope for in a future marriage?

Can I Get Back Together With My Ex?

I recommended spending time apart first. Personally, I am engaged to a woman that I dated and broke up with, but then we got back together after about a year. I am not against getting back together, but you need time and space from that person before you can make a rational decision about getting back together. During that time, we eventually became friends and grew a true friendship with one another without any intention of getting back together, but after a while, we decided to go on a few dates. Then after a few dates, we became official, and after a little over 2 years, we got engaged. So all this to say yes, you might get back together, but the only reason it worked the second time for us is we allowed God to work in us separately before starting to consider a future again. 

I am not a believer in taking a “break” for this reason. Breaks don’t truly allow you to let God work in your life separately since you plan to get back together at some point. While I am sure it can work for some people. Personally, I don’t think it is helpful because if there’s a rough patch in a marriage, there is no such thing as a break from a marriage for a Christian (Matthew 5:31-32). 

Where Do I Go From Here?

If you don’t already have a characteristic list of what you would like to see in a future spouse like I mentioned earlier, now would be a great time to make one. Start praying for that woman or man to be sharpened and guided by the Lord. You may not know them yet, but God knows who you will pick, so pray for them often. Here are a few examples from my list of qualities: A Godly woman who fights for Jesus, serves the church, likes to do things outdoors, ect. It can and should include qualities of a man or woman of God and qualities you would like to see, like shared hobbies. Also, it could be helpful to put them in order of importance. For reference, check out these articles on what to look for in a Christian boyfriend and Christian girlfriend. You can also check out the article my fiancée and I wrote about how to know you are ready for engagement.

If you are not already, dive deep into a church community. No, I am not saying get involved so you can find someone to marry, but you need people around you to walk with and encourage you. I believe you will find your future spouse when you are chasing so hard after Jesus that you finally stop looking around you for someone to date. At that point, you will look to your side as you are running and see someone that is running at the same pace as you. That is a person you want to consider dating and potentially marrying. 

When looking for a church community, you should look for a local church where you can attend and serve. If your church or a church nearby has a ministry for your age group, joining that ministry can be one of the most life-giving things you can do. If you are a college or young adult looking for a community near Lawrenceville, GA, I recommend you to check out College@12stone. This is a great ministry that I have attended for years. This is a great place to get plugged in, and I know God will use it to bring life into your relationship with Him. 

About Matt Enser

About Matt Enser

Matt Enser is a marketer that wants to use his experience in digital marketing for the kingdom. He works for KWSM as Web and SEO Website Specialist as well as a Safety Instructor & Digital Marketing Manager for First Response.

When I am not working, you will probably find me outdoors somewhere. I enjoy camping, rock climbing, playing sports, off-roading, or hiking. Which a few of my friends and I talk a lot about on our podcast, “The Godventure Podcast“.

I am passionate about my faith in Christ and that manifests itself in my values and activities as well. I lead a team of volunteers at 12Stone’s college ministry and serve with elementary students on a weekly basis.

10 Comments

  1. Robert Radosta

    This is super helpful, thanks for sharing Matt!

    Reply
    • Matt Enser

      Thanks for checking it out and glad it was helpful. Grateful for you, man!

      Reply
    • Emma-louise

      This is ‘super helper’ using the words of the last commentor.
      Is it possible to get some counsel too please.
      I was engaged last year and then we broke up. He wanted us to come back together but I could not as I had not healed. After we broke up, I realised I loved him so much even though we are worlds apart in many areas. We are both Christians, however he is physically challenged with profound hearing loss and I recently had a masectomy. I am finding it very hard to allow ‘No contact’ as I was constantly worried about him. Everytime I declined a meet up or blocked him it cut me to the core.
      It became very toxic for me and I needed space to heal as well as free my mind.
      Its been a battle staying mentally relaxed but God keeps helping me.
      I pray for him often, in fact everyday against isolation and sadness. God keeps telling me I should just worship and that there is nothing I can do that compares to who He is(in his life is the impression I got). My ex has constantly got in touch wanting contact or a meet up and this has litterally torchered me because I have felt that I was hurting him by witholding all the care and love I had given before.
      He does respect boundaries sometimes but because I suspect a traits of autism, it seems sometimes he cant read between the lines and relates in a very straightforward and simple way. I am opposite; subtle and tactful(cunning and scheming really, God, help!)
      Recently, I asked to be unblocked, as it had hurt him so much. I kindly did even though very fearfully so.
      He sent a few texts to which I replied but then I spoke of my boundaries to not be in touch for now until we had both refocused on our new journeys ahead enough and gained perspective( sent earlier in and email)
      I am praying earnestly for healing in all areas of his life and that Gods will be done.
      Thanks Family in Christ

      Reply
      • Matt Enser

        Hello Emma,

        I am sorry for the late reply. I am glad you found this helpful, and I’d be glad to try to help. However, I recommend talking through all this with a pastor at your local church or a Christian counselor. If you don’t have a local church this would be a great next step which would also help with the loneliness you are feeling if you aren’t already involved with one. If you are in the Gwinnett, GA area, I could help with connecting you to a pastor at my church.

        That being said, here are my prayerful thoughts. The main thing is I encourage you to keep going to God to ask for wisdom (James 1:5-8) from him. Secondly, as I said above seek wisdom from trusted believers who are not attached to the situation but know and love you well.

        As far as contact with him. It is best to have space even if that is hard for you to say no. Maybe point him to join a small group or some other form of Christian community and then you have to trust those men to care for him so you don’t feel that burden. This being said it isn’t your load to carry and he must carry his own load (Galatians 6:5). Silmulaly you according to Galatians 6:5 need to carry your load which is healing. You aren’t able to do that if you are trying to carry his load and burden for him. So setting hard boundaries and pointing him toward men to lean on instead of you is important for your healing.

        I agree with you this sounds toxic and you need to get space. From how it sounds to me it would be best not to try and come back together even after you heal because it has been so toxic. However, you with God must make that choice.

        Additionally don’t forget you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) no matter if you had a mastectomy. So don’t feel as if you are not worthy of something better. Not saying this is how you feel but it is hard to tell through this form of communication and want to remind you of this.

        To sum up I suggest meeting with a pastor and setting firm boundaries with your ex. Then work on healing yourself and getting deeply plugged into a local church community where you can lean on other women of faith. Please reply if you have any other questions.

        Praying for God to move in and through your story.

        Sincerely,
        Matt Enser

        Reply
  2. Elizabeth

    Hi Praise the Lord Brother Matt,
    I am Elizabeth, a Young Christian woman from a small country in Africa called Uganda. I have comes across this article you wrote about relationships it has done me Super Good. Am in a Healing Process of a broken relationship just 2 days ago But God is so merciful that I have read something today which has encouraged me. Thank You so Much,God Bless You Brother Matt

    Reply
    • Matt Enser

      Thank you for your encouraging message, Elizabeth. I am so glad my article was helpful for you. Breakups can be very hard, but our God works everything for good in time. I pray that through this time, God will show you the purpose of your breakup and that you are able to learn what God is teaching you in this time. Remember that you are a daughter of God and your value is based in being His child, not who you are with. Keep up the good fight in Uganda.

      Reply
  3. Jermaine Catala

    God bless you brother for that Godly wisdom as much as I will love and miss my ex I truly believe we was never meant to be in the first place I have been disobedient of what God wanted me to do, I ignored all the red flags in that relationship, until it ended badly and I feel so hurt because God was showing me the signs the. lord chastised the ones he loves Hebrews 12 -6. But thank you for sharing this I pray this wisdom helps me on my healing journey and increases me with my walk with Jesus God bless you brother

    Reply
    • Matt Enser

      I am so grateful what God taught me was helpful for you in this season. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am praying for God to be near to you in this season of broken heartedness (Psalm 34:18) and guide you to what he has for you.

      Reply
    • Gianna

      Hello brother Matt. God bless you for being a willing vessel. This article fed my soul during this time of heartache and separation from someone I planned to marry. But it’s only possible God’s way. Thank you!! Blessings.!!

      Reply
      • Matt Enser

        Hello Jermaine, I am so grateful that this was helpful for you in your difficult season. Know God is with you and for you always. Praying for God to show His nearness to you and that He will guide you in whatever He has next for you.

        Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *