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Oftentimes, people will say Just forget and move on after a breakup. While yes, you should move on, there must be a time of reflection before taking a step toward dating again. Sometimes people will suggest forgetting and moving on immediately to get their mind off the last relationship. While this might work for a little bit, it’s only fleeting. These rebound relationships will only leave you more hurt because of the unprocessed hurt that never healed from the previous relationship. The only way to move on in a healthy way is to face the wounds, process the hurt, and think about the relationship.
No matter the length of the relationship, I suggest you take time to look internally and externally about why the breakup happened. Internally should come first, and then look at the actions of your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Let’s face it, you can do a lot more to improve yourself than you can to improve that other person. As Matthew 7:5 says, “first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Now, to be clear, I am not suggesting you should work to get the speck out of your ex’s eye by direct contact because that won’t be helpful for either of you moving on, but you should pray for that speck to be removed by the believers in your ex’s life.
Internal Reflection After a Breakup
The biggest thing you should do is look at what things you could have done better, or maybe things you did that brought out the bad parts of the other person. Think about ways you can move forward to be a better reflection of Christ (Romans 8:29). This way, you will be better off for your next relationship. The biggest thing you should think about is, are you currently who you would want to be dating? I don’t mean that in a sense you need to find someone who is exactly like you. Of course, you don’t want to date an exact copy of yourself, but are you running at the pace towards Jesus you would expect a future spouse to run? If not, pick up the pace. You won’t find a person to run with if you’re walking in the slow lane.
Questions To Ask Yourself After a Breakup:
- Did I cross any boundaries?
- Did I communicate well?
- Did I idolize the relationship?
- Did I treat the relationship like it was more important than my relationship with The Father?
- Did I leave this relationship a better reflection of Jesus? Would you say your Ex did?
- Did I treat the person I was dating the way I would want to be treated?
- If the roles were reversed, would I have been glad I dated myself?
- Would it be beneficial to unpack the relationship with a fellow believer, pastor, and/or Christian counselor?
- Overall, what did I learn from this relationship?
If you don’t measure up, know that Jesus’s grace is sufficient for you (2 Corinthians 12:9), but He doesn’t give us grace, so we stay where we are, but to bring us to repentance. So let the power of grace motivate your works (James 2:18).
External Reflection After a Breakup
Dating is all about finding who to marry, and marriage is about fighting the good fight found in 2 Timothy 4:7 together. If a relationship didn’t work out, that is okay. That just means you didn’t find each other to be a good fit for whatever reason. It is important to nail down those particular reasons, so you have a better perspective going into the next relationship. Write down the things you liked and didn’t like about that person. If you have written a list of qualities you are hoping for in a future spouse, this would be a good time to reference that and compare. You may want to edit that list some, and that’s okay, but make sure to edit prayerfully.
Questions To Ask Yourself About Your Ex After a Breakup:
- Did they make me more like Jesus?
- Did they inspire/encourage you to dive deeper into your faith?
- Did they put me in morally compromising situations?
- Did I let them put me in those situations?
- Did they pull you away from your community?
- What were your favorite and least favorite parts about them?
- What did dating them teach me about what I would hope for in a future marriage?
How to Handle a Breakup When You Attend the Same Church?
One of the best ways to meet a future spouse is at your local church, since you can meet people who share values and observe how they live out those values through serving, character, etc. A somewhat negative side of dating in this environment is that if you break up, you are now more likely to see them again. This doesn’t at all mean you shouldn’t date in a church environment, but that you should date with honor and handle the breakup and time after with honor.
If you had and kept good physical, spiritual, and emotional boundaries in the breakup, that makes the post-breakup interactions easier to navigate because there was less entanglement. If this isn’t your story, I don’t say this to shame you, just to encourage you in the future. I haven’t handled relationships or breakups perfectly either.
Either Way, the Main Things To Keep in Mind After a Breakup When You Attend the Same Church Are:
- Try to create at least a short season of separation, if possible, to help both of your emotions calm down. This could mean changing volunteer teams or attending a different service time, but you should not lower your overall engagement at your church.
- Talk respectfully about your ex with others at your church. Especially in larger shared circles. If you need help processing raw emotions and/or unkind thoughts, take these to God instead of others. If you still need to talk with other people, keep it to a close well well-trusted group of same sex brothers or sisters in Christ. You don’t want to create gossip or rumors (Ephesians 4:29-32). Remember, they are your brother or sister in Christ, and you should still treat them as such.
- Handle the Sunday morning run-in with respect and dignity. You don’t have to act like they are invisible, and a polite “hello” or a nod is often better than a cold shoulder. The idea is to give each other space and now make things weird while not coming across as mixed signals. You both likely feel awkward, so give each other space and don’t make them more awkward than they need to be.
- When you are reminded of them and feel sad or upset because you saw them or thought of them. Invite God into your feelings. Pray for God to bring clarity and healing to you and also to them. Let your emotions be one of the triggers that point you to God in prayer.
- Be clear and speak with grace and truth, so you don’t lead one another on or bring in confusion. By eliminating the uncertainty of the status of the relationship you honor one another and help one another heal. In the future, you both could reconsider the relationship, but the relationship is either alive or dead, and trying to bring it back is often not the right choice. This isn’t always the case, as I hit on below.
Can I Get Back Together With My Ex?
It may work out to get back together, but I recommend spending significant time apart first before you consider that option. Personally, I am engaged to a woman whom I dated and broke up with, but then we got back together after about a year. I am not against getting back together, but you need time and space from that person before you can make a rational decision about getting back together. During that time, we eventually became friends and grew a true friendship with one another without any intention of getting back together, but after a while, we decided to go on a few dates. Then, after a few dates, we became official, and after a little over 2 years, we got engaged. So all this to say yes, you might get back together, but the only reason it worked the second time for us is that we allowed God to work in us separately before starting to consider a future again.
I am not a believer in taking a “break” for this reason. Breaks don’t truly allow you to let God work in your life separately, since you plan to get back together at some point. While I am sure it can work for some people. Personally, I don’t think it is helpful because if there’s a rough patch in a marriage, there is no such thing as a break from a marriage for a Christian (Matthew 5:31-32).
Where Do I Go From Here?
If you don’t already have a characteristic list of what you would like to see in a future spouse, like I mentioned earlier, now would be a great time to make one. Start praying for that woman or man to be sharpened and guided by the Lord. You may not know them yet, but God knows who you will pick, so pray for them often. Here are a few examples from my list of qualities: A Godly woman who fights for Jesus, serves the church, likes to do things outdoors, etc. It can and should include qualities of a man or woman of God and qualities you would like to see, like shared hobbies. Also, it could be helpful to put them in order of importance. For reference, check out these articles on what to look for in a Christian boyfriend and a Christian girlfriend. You can also check out the article my fiancée and I wrote about how to know you are ready for engagement.
Related Article: Importance of Priorities During Life Change for Christians
If you are not already, dive deep into a church community. No, I am not saying get involved so you can find someone to marry, but you need people around you to walk with and encourage you. I believe you will find your future spouse when you are chasing so hard after Jesus that you finally stop looking around you for someone to date. At that point, you will look to your side as you are running and see someone who is running at the same pace as you. That is a person you want to consider dating and potentially marrying.
When looking for a church community, you should look for a local church where you can attend and serve. If your church or a church nearby has a ministry for your age group, joining that ministry can be one of the most life-giving things you can do. If you are a college or young adult looking for a community near Lawrenceville, GA, I recommend that you check out College@12stone. This is a great ministry that I have attended for years. This is a great place to get plugged in, and I know God will use it to bring life into your relationship with Him.
Christian Books to Consider Reading After A Breakup
Much of my understanding of this topic outside of scripture comes from the following books. I encourage you to pick these up and read them during this season. You should prioritize scripture, but outside of that, I believe God can teach you much through these authors’ words.
Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age
This book by Ben Stuart does a wonderful job explaining what God wants you to learn in each season of singleness, dating, engagement, and marriage. Far too many people think seasons like singleness are wasted seasons, but they are truly a gift from God. Ben focuses on the Songs of Solomon as a case study to model. He was one, if not the first, one to write on this topic, and this book and the sermons he gives on this topic are so helpful. The audiobook is also really good. Check it out and purchase the book here. Additionally, check out his short podcast series on the book on Apple Podcast or YouTube.
The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating
This book by Andy Stanly helps you understand the unique changes we face in a dating world that is relatively new. He changes you to work on yourself before thinking about entering into a relationship. Even going so far as to challenge you not to date for a whole year after reading the book. Very good book and definitely worth a read. Check it out and purchase the book here.
Please note that while I believe this book is helpful, some of Andy Stanly’s more recent writings and teaching are more questionable. By sharing this book, I am not endorsing all of his work, just what he shares in this book. Remember, everything other than the bible is fallible, meaning we must take everything we learn back to the word of God to inform our thinking.
Winning The War in Your Mind
This book by Craig Groeschel isn’t specifically about dating, but when going through a breakup, there can be a lot of identity and mental health issues you may have to work through. This book has been so helpful for me, and one of my top books I recommend for anyone, no matter the life circumstance, including a breakup. His key idea is that “Our lives are always moving in the direction of our strongest thoughts.” When you are going through a breakup, it can be easy for your strongest thoughts to be negative. Taking those thoughts captive is very important to move your life towards what God says about you instead of what the enemy says. Check it out and purchase the book here.
Questions or Thoughts?
I know a breakup can be very difficult. Lean on your local church and small group, but if you would like to ask me a question, please feel free to comment below and learn from the existing conversations. It would be an honor to try to help at this stage in whatever way I can. Note that it can take me time to reply, but I will do my best to reply as soon as I am able.
If you just have a thought you would like to share or a key point that stood out to you, I’d love to hear that in the comments as well.
This is super helpful, thanks for sharing Matt!
Thanks for checking it out and glad it was helpful. Grateful for you, man!
This is ‘super helper’ using the words of the last commentor.
Is it possible to get some counsel too please.
I was engaged last year and then we broke up. He wanted us to come back together but I could not as I had not healed. After we broke up, I realised I loved him so much even though we are worlds apart in many areas. We are both Christians, however he is physically challenged with profound hearing loss and I recently had a masectomy. I am finding it very hard to allow ‘No contact’ as I was constantly worried about him. Everytime I declined a meet up or blocked him it cut me to the core.
It became very toxic for me and I needed space to heal as well as free my mind.
Its been a battle staying mentally relaxed but God keeps helping me.
I pray for him often, in fact everyday against isolation and sadness. God keeps telling me I should just worship and that there is nothing I can do that compares to who He is(in his life is the impression I got). My ex has constantly got in touch wanting contact or a meet up and this has litterally torchered me because I have felt that I was hurting him by witholding all the care and love I had given before.
He does respect boundaries sometimes but because I suspect a traits of autism, it seems sometimes he cant read between the lines and relates in a very straightforward and simple way. I am opposite; subtle and tactful(cunning and scheming really, God, help!)
Recently, I asked to be unblocked, as it had hurt him so much. I kindly did even though very fearfully so.
He sent a few texts to which I replied but then I spoke of my boundaries to not be in touch for now until we had both refocused on our new journeys ahead enough and gained perspective( sent earlier in and email)
I am praying earnestly for healing in all areas of his life and that Gods will be done.
Thanks Family in Christ
Hello Emma,
I am sorry for the late reply. I am glad you found this helpful, and I’d be glad to try to help. However, I recommend talking through all this with a pastor at your local church or a Christian counselor. If you don’t have a local church this would be a great next step which would also help with the loneliness you are feeling if you aren’t already involved with one. If you are in the Gwinnett, GA area, I could help with connecting you to a pastor at my church.
That being said, here are my prayerful thoughts. The main thing is I encourage you to keep going to God to ask for wisdom (James 1:5-8) from him. Secondly, as I said above seek wisdom from trusted believers who are not attached to the situation but know and love you well.
As far as contact with him. It is best to have space even if that is hard for you to say no. Maybe point him to join a small group or some other form of Christian community and then you have to trust those men to care for him so you don’t feel that burden. This being said it isn’t your load to carry and he must carry his own load (Galatians 6:5). Silmulaly you according to Galatians 6:5 need to carry your load which is healing. You aren’t able to do that if you are trying to carry his load and burden for him. So setting hard boundaries and pointing him toward men to lean on instead of you is important for your healing.
I agree with you this sounds toxic and you need to get space. From how it sounds to me it would be best not to try and come back together even after you heal because it has been so toxic. However, you with God must make that choice.
Additionally don’t forget you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) no matter if you had a mastectomy. So don’t feel as if you are not worthy of something better. Not saying this is how you feel but it is hard to tell through this form of communication and want to remind you of this.
To sum up I suggest meeting with a pastor and setting firm boundaries with your ex. Then work on healing yourself and getting deeply plugged into a local church community where you can lean on other women of faith. Please reply if you have any other questions.
Praying for God to move in and through your story.
Sincerely,
Matt Enser
Hey Matt, I’m going through a really hard time right now. Basically, me and this girl met in June of last year, I used to think about her all the time, but then time went on and nothing happened till June, when I was going through a rough patch in my life with a death of a grandmother and a sudden loss of a best friend out of the blue, who just stopped talking to me for no reason, I feel like I filled the gap with her. There were other complications regarding this situation, such as her friend liking me, and her knowing this and still going into this and becoming friends with me regardless of that, which led to them parting ways.
This led to a lot of confusion, in September we confessed our love for each other, and because of the circumstances, my parents recommended taking a step back, I said I was gonna, but I didn’t. And I lied to them from the get go saying they this was only a friendship, cause I was scared of getting hurt and admitting that I liked her. Fast forward, months go by of bonding over youth events and conventions and youth group and stuff and calling and hangouts, all the while I’m still lying to my parents, and a lot happens where my parents would talk to people, and voice their concerns to me; and for some reason that led to me getting upset and then shedding a bad light on them to her, which led to a lot of frustration and seemingly “contradictory” which in reality was me just not listening or being angry and interpreting what they were saying in a wrong way.
Fast forward again, and we recently said that we have to take a step back, this hurts a lot, she said I’m not someone she could date right now, and I knew that this has to happen, but I don’t want this to be the end. I apologized to my parents and have been making it all right the last few days, and I’ve already learned a lot in the last few days. But I genuinely thought she was the one, of course I think we both have healing we need to heal from, especially me, I mean me and that friend actually ended up making amends, but nothing really healed.
Im at the place where I know I need to step back, but we love each other so much, and seeing her is so painful, and I wanna fix all of this stuff, with the motivation of possibly getting back together though, and I don’t think that’s good. Obviously I wanna better myself for God, but I also have hope that this can still work. We weren’t incompetent, I felt peace at one point about this, and I just wish I did so much more to better this.
I wish I involved my parents and took time to heal, I also wish I didn’t break her view on my church and family because I couldn’t stop being an idiot. Sorry, it’s just a lot, and I have a lot going on in my head. Get back when you can, thank you.!
Hello,
Thank you for sharing. First give yourself grace that God extend to you. Hindsight is always 20/20, but you must lean on God’s understanding not yours. While yes some pain could have been avoided it isn’t waisted unless you don’t learn from it. It is wise of you to say, “I feel like I filled the gap with her”, this shows good discernment. When there are life disruptions like the loss of a loved one that sometimes leads to misplaced priorities. I talk more about this in my article, Importance of Priorities During Life Change for Christians. I recommend checking it out for more on this part of your question.
Respecting your parents is important since they usually want what is best for you but that isn’t always the case. Only you can know that, but sometimes they can see things that you can’t yet. I would suggest being honest with them in the future. That way you can have a more complete conversation that may or may not guide you to change your option. Sometimes parents guide us to do something because they really want what is best for us, but sometimes they want us to do what makes them look good. You have to figure that out and decide. This also deals with if your parents are strong believers or not. I don’t think it was right of your parents to go to others within reason. This being said consider this passage, Matthew 18:15-20 and if you feel it applies to you. When a relationship gets closer to a marriage you also have to balance leave and cleave (Genesis 2:24) while also honoring your parents (Ephesians 6:2).
As for talking bad about your parents and the church to her. Yes this isn’t best. You should instead bring you problems to the people you have them with. Your parents didn’t stick to doing this, so you may feel justified, but you are accountable for you not them. Furthermore by lying to them in the first place you set yourself up to feel obligated to keep lying, so when you had issues with your parents and your church then you didn’t feel you could go to them. Consider this passage Matthew 5:23-24 on how to deal with conflict.
It sounds like you bonded in a healthy way. The best way to grow a relationship is in group faith based areas. This helps you safely evaluate and grow a relationship and allow trusted others to speak in since they are seeing your relationship grow in public. You just needed to be more honest with people about things as you said.
From what I am hearing I am not exactly sure why you the step back is needed assuming you have healed from the past losses in your family and the relationship is God honoring. If you feel it is best to take time to heal before moving forward again then go for it, but understand if you were in a marriage and you don’t have the break option. You just don’t want to train yourself that a break is always an option. This being said keep working on yourself and praying for God’s will to be done in both of you. If it is in His will then you will end up back together because nothing is past his rescuing hand.
I hope this is helpful let me know if you have follow up questions.
Thanks Matt. I should’ve probably clarified a few things. Me and my parents are luckily moving towards helping and trusting each other again; they are firm believers and have had a pretty good track record regarding this stuff, so it’s not really a thing where it’s out of the blue in a sense. Me and her have kind of stopped talking for now, I mean it’s very pajnful, but I feel like I saw her becoming an idol in a sense, and I feel lost cause I love her so much but how do I separate that from idolatry?
I feel like me cutting her off wasn’t the godly move, but I also hear many voices from friends saying I need to, but I genuinely don’t think I should’ve. I miss her a lot, but I don’t want to go back to where I was, and maybe she’s finding the healing she needs in this season of waiting and uncertainty.
I already feel a lot more peace, but this is hard. I still want something to work out, but sometimes I feel like I’m hesitant to think for myself cause I don’t wanna go against my parents or friends, it’s probably not healthy, but it’s something I’ve grown up to do. Let me know what you think when you can, thanks Matt
You can separate that from idolatry by getting your security and significance from the Lord and not from here. As a man you are more inclined to desire significance and women are more inclined to want security. Another way to think about this is the fruits of the spirt especially the first 3: Love, Joy, and Peace. Do you feel you are getting that from God or from others. Love, Joy, and Peace are everyone’s core needs. We either get them from God or we get them from idols.
Do you feel the many voices telling you to cut her off are using Biblically based wisdom? In your own time with God do you feel God is saying He is in agreement? Are they saying she is leading you away from God or just making you act differently. Marriage is designed to make you holy not make you happy, so sometimes from the outside they may want to lead you away from where God is leading you.
If you feel at peace then it is likely best that you did what you did. Even if it is hard. You may feel like your could have done the break up more kindly which could be true, but it sounds like like you feel at peace about it now.
Are you to a point where you are ready to get married? Do you consider this person someone you could see yourself marrying in less then a year. If you want that in your future and think it is in God’s will then you may have to go against your parents. Again consider leave and cleave (Genesis 2:24) while also honoring your parents (Ephesians 6:2). You can do both but if you have to choose you would have to choose your wife if push comes to shove.
Let me know your thoughts.
Hey Matt, that is some really good advise, I am still in youth group so I don’t think I’m gonna get married yet haha. I just got back from a youth retreat and she was there, we kind of talked a little but it was as if everything just kind of resumed and the spark was still there which was really painful.
On the last night of the retreat God was moving in the room and I just felt him say am I ready to trust him? I feel like I was but then that night I had one of the worst nights of my life and just kept waking up and dreamt of her and it was awful.
I feel like this is all so wrong but I also know that it’s probably God’s will right now, this is so painful and I’m trying to balance all these emotions. Talking to her was so nice but I feel like it caused so much more pain cause we both just laughed and it felt so good which I know isn’t good but like it was just relief in a sense.
It’s painful to see someone who’s so close in proximity but so out of reach because of circumstances. I wish I could just have a second chance with this but I know I need to trust God’s timing and know that I can’t miss his will for my life, and that if this is in his will it’ll work out regardless of what I do or don’t do.
Sometimes it’s really hard for me to grasp that this would happen all for nothing though. Like why do I have such strong love for someone if God was just gonna take them out of my life anyways? It’s so hard and I just wish I could have answers.
Hello Matt
Thank you very much for your helpful article. It brings it very clear to the point and has valuable wisdom.
I am a fairly new Christian, and I experienced a severe traumatic event when Jesus came to save me, which led me to become a Christian. Before that, I was involved in occultism and had experienced toxic relationships throughout my life, making it difficult to keep jobs.
Early in my faith, I dated a Christian guy from church. He had some habitual struggles, and it was his first relationship. He ended the relationship after nine months. An older couple, who were his friends, spoke into our relationship and ultimately helped him break up with me.
God revealed to me how hurtful I was towards him, and how emotionally abusive I had been. The past eight months have been the hardest for me because, almost one by one, everyone left me. I felt very alone and unsupported in my grief. He blocked me because the woman from the couple told him to, but I did have one chance to speak to him and apologize.
He never contacted me, and I recently met him at his church because I couldn’t get over him. I have been hoping to reconcile and praying for him, as I regret and miss him a lot. I never had the chance to serve him as much as he did for me.
He told me he had moved on and never wants a relationship again, and that I should move on. He has set goals for himself: he will move back to his home country, buy a house, and find a wife.
It breaks my heart that there’s nothing left, and I can’t seem to stop thinking about reconciliation. God is telling me to wait for Him, and I’m not sure whether I’m hallucinating. I wish we could at least communicate on a friendly basis and develop a friendship where he could trust me again, because I know what I need to change and what I did wrong.
:( thanks for listening ! God bless
Hello Amelie, Thank you for your comment, I am glad you found the article helpful, and I apologize for my very delayed response. I am glad you have come to know Jesus! I am sorry it was through a difficult circumstance, though. It is such a gift that He cares so deeply about us and that it is never too late for us to come to know him.
No relationship is perfect, and it sounds like there were issues on both sides, as there is in any relationship. It is good to let people speak in (Proverbs 11:14), but it is important to have the right trusted people speak in. Consider 1 Kings 12: 1-15, Rehoboam got consul from two groups of people, which is wise, but then took the advice of the unwise group. This ended up splitting the kingdom of Israel because of this bad choice. Making sure you listen to biblical based wisdom, not just what you want to hear or to listen to people who are just trying to build themselves up, is important.
I am glad God has helped you see where you can improve, but understand conviction comes from the Lord while shame comes from the enemy. If you are feeling continued shame and know you have repented of anything you feel you legitimately did wrong, then that is shame from the devil, not healthy conviction from God. Consider Romans 8:1 and Romans 10:11.
I am sorry to hear your community has left you. That is not how the Church should be. Are you able to reach out to new people at your local church or meet with church staff on what is going on? If no one is willing to support you in this season, you may want to seek a new church that will come around you and support while also calling you to more.
I am glad you were able to meet with him briefly and apologize to bring some closure, even if that doesn’t lead to reconciliation. I know it can be heartbreaking to go through a breakup and the change that comes with it. The biggest thing you can do now is reflect on what you have learned and trust God with what He has for you in the future. Trust God in the waiting for sure, but waiting on Him for what He has vs what you hope He has for you is important.
I recommend finding a community of women you can trust and lean into will be really important than praying for God’s peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:4-7) over your circumstances and future.
Let me know if you have other thoughts or questions. Praying for you in this season.
Hi Praise the Lord Brother Matt,
I am Elizabeth, a Young Christian woman from a small country in Africa called Uganda. I have comes across this article you wrote about relationships it has done me Super Good. Am in a Healing Process of a broken relationship just 2 days ago But God is so merciful that I have read something today which has encouraged me. Thank You so Much,God Bless You Brother Matt
Thank you for your encouraging message, Elizabeth. I am so glad my article was helpful for you. Breakups can be very hard, but our God works everything for good in time. I pray that through this time, God will show you the purpose of your breakup and that you are able to learn what God is teaching you in this time. Remember that you are a daughter of God and your value is based in being His child, not who you are with. Keep up the good fight in Uganda.
God bless you brother for that Godly wisdom as much as I will love and miss my ex I truly believe we was never meant to be in the first place I have been disobedient of what God wanted me to do, I ignored all the red flags in that relationship, until it ended badly and I feel so hurt because God was showing me the signs the. lord chastised the ones he loves Hebrews 12 -6. But thank you for sharing this I pray this wisdom helps me on my healing journey and increases me with my walk with Jesus God bless you brother
I am so grateful what God taught me was helpful for you in this season. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am praying for God to be near to you in this season of broken heartedness (Psalm 34:18) and guide you to what he has for you.
Hello brother Matt. God bless you for being a willing vessel. This article fed my soul during this time of heartache and separation from someone I planned to marry. But it’s only possible God’s way. Thank you!! Blessings.!!
Hello Gianna, I am so grateful that this was helpful for you in your difficult season. Know God is with you and for you always. Praying for God to show His nearness to you and that He will guide you in whatever He has next for you.
My name is Kathy and I been healing from a break up for the last six months there was no contact until a month ago he was in the hospital in the ICU I was called for him so I went to see him he home now recovering and I still feel we need time and space for healing.
Hello Kathy,
Thank for for your message. Time and space for healing is always wise, but also considering if not just when getting back together is wise. I suggest only getting back together if you the reasons you broke up in the first place feel truly resolved. While no one is perfect you want to ideally prevent not waisting time dating again if it will just end in a break up again. This being said you it could be a great option to get back together just don’t let emotions cloud your judgement. Ask yourself could I see myself realistically marrying this person in 6-12 months if the answer is no then it probably isn’t best to get back together.
Sincerely,
Matt Enser
Very timely article. Didn’t think I would find this type of read but am super glad I did. It was so necessary and very helpful. God bless the work of your hands sir and your relationship.
Thank you for your comment Pamela. I am so glad it was helpful in your current season. Thank you for the blessing, and I pray for you in your season of processing through a breakup and what is ahead for you.
Hi Matt, thanks for a wonderfully written article. It was very compelling and convicting.
I’m curious- how did you and your fiancé, when you broke up initially, reignite a friendship? How long were you in no contact before you were back in contact?
I am just over two months in to my breakup, it’s hard to give all the context, but I have reached out with a text taking accountability for areas where we went wrong etc, to no response. It was a “plank in my own eye” message. I’m coming to terms with accepting the Lord separated us for a reason, but my belief is that we weren’t incompatible, we just weren’t individually ready. 3.5yrs and a break up, it took for me to see all that the Lord is revealing to me now, since we split. My reason for reaching out to my ex was not to beg him to get back together, but to initiate reconciliation, to rectify wrongs and make amends as a brother and sister in Christ. To remove myself from our history and attempt to repair, platonically. I didn’t however reiterate to him when I reached out that it wasn’t my intention to say I’m healing as an attempt to try to get back together…. Do you think that is inappropriate to seek reconciliation? I would love to remain friends with him, given I understand the need for our separating…
Hello K,
I am very glad this article was helpful for you. I’m sorry you are going through this difficult time.
We didn’t have contact for about 7-8 month. We went to the same church and young adult ministry, so we saw each other from time to time, but did not really have any conversations for around 7-8 months. We then started to have conversations. I apologized for where I went wrong in the last relationship, not out of trying to get back together, but to own where I went wrong, similar to how you shared. Eventually, we decided to go on a date or two before being official. The main thing was we became friends first. We did this in group settings with mutual friends until we tried going on a dates again.
As for if it is inappropriate to seek reconciliation. This depends on a few factors, but I suggest not seeking it out. Only if it happens naturally in my option. By you reaching out I think your part. Maybe you could clarify that your intentions were just for owning your mistakes and not to try to get back together, but I don’t think you need to.
I don’t think there is any issue in being friends, but it needs to be different at least at first. For example, when you see one another, it shouldn’t be one on one. If you are hanging out one on one that is pretty much dating again, which doesn’t give you time to heal. If after spending time in groups for a few month then you decide to go on dates again, then that could be healthy.
Assuming at some point you start a new relationship your new boyfriend / spouse get’s to decide what he is comfortable with which is likely not being friends with an ex. The same would go for your ex’s significant other. My suggestion is not being friends at that point. You don’t need to be mean to him, but just not a friend anymore.
My main question is if you are in similar circles of life and would you see one another naturally? If not, then it probably doesn’t make sense to pursue a friendship at least at this time. If after the 6 month mark and you still feel like it is best—with much prayer—to reach out, then that could be a good time to try to reach out again. That would give you both time to heal and pray.
I hope this is help let me know if you have any follow-up questions or thoughts.
We live 2.5hrs away from each other, so our lives are very seperate. In order to be friends, it would have to be intentional, which means it might not come as naturally.
I feel pretty defeated, but I guess it is what it is. Thanks for your reply :)
Thank you K for your reply. I am sorry you feel defeated. God is with you and for you. Share these feelings with women in your local church and have them come around you in this time of need.
Maybe give yourself a few months and see if you still want to fight for a relationship. This will allow you to get out of the emotions of a breakup and heal more. Then decide on what is best for you after you have had a few months of prayer about it. Just cause you aren’t near in proximity doesn’t mean you can’t fight for it if it is God’s will, but your priority should be your own healing and sanctification first.
Wow… I read the whole article and I have to say that every single word I read was such an encouraging read. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years, 6 months ago. Tomorrow it would’ve been our anniversary and I have been feeling anxious all week knowing that this time it will be different as we no longer are together.
Some part of me felt that I needed to read a physical copy to tell myself that it will be okay and I somehow stumbled upon your article. I needed exactly this as I am a Christian and I need to trust God more, as all I have been feeling is anxious since the breakup. I know God has a plan for me but my doubts are fears overtake sometimes.
One month after we broke up I saw he already moved on with a new girlfriend and I have never felt so unloved and worthless before. And even now they are still together and I keep feeling sour about it as I know he’s with her as a rebound. Any advice on how to stop overthinking regarding this?
Thank you so much Matt! 🤍
Hello Kimmy,
I am very glad you found my article helpful and I am sorry for this difficult season.
Before addressing your question, I want to first say you are not unloved and worthless rather you are deeply loved and full of worth. God cares for you deeply, and so do many others. Remember that you are a daughter of God and your value is based on being His child, not who you are with.
A verse that comes to mind is Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
As for overthinking, every time you start to have a thought come to mind, take it captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Whenever you are overthinking, you usually are believing some lie the enemy has planted about you. You need to wrestle that down and replace it with the truth of scripture.
Practically, that means when a bad thought comes to mind, you call it out as a lie and say what is true. For example, if you feel unloved, you could memorize Psalm 139:14 which says, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” or Psalm 36:5–7 which says God has a steadfast love for you. This helps you combat the overthinking instead of letting it drive you.
In his book Winning the War In Your Mind, Craig Groeschel unpacks what he calls declarations where you write out a declaration of truth based on scripture against lies we believe. You then memorize this and pray through it. This helps you to retain your mind on things from God and not from the enemy. I recommend checking this book out to help you gain more control over your thoughts. It was very helpful for me.
I hope this helps and let me know if you have any follow-up questions. Praying for God to guide you and be near to you.
Hey Matt, I’m happy I found your article. There’s definitely a lot in here that would help every person’s breakup. I just wanted to ask a few questions.
My ex girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I’m in college currently and we share all the same mutual friends. My best friend is dating her twin sister for example. It’s been super hard to avoid seeing her around campus because of that. I see her at least once a day and I’ve just been trying to ignore her. We only dated for about a month, but this was both of our first relationships and I thought it was looking really good. Just before we started dating, I really really grew in my faith with the Lord. I joined an awesome church with great people. Things were really on the upswing for me and I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life. We did have some glaring issues though. She is a devout catholic whereas I am a devout Protestant. I don’t wanna become a catholic and she didn’t want to become a Protestant. That was probably the number 1 issue, but that’s not even the reason we broke up I don’t think. She said, after a month, that she didn’t think she was ready for a relationship and that our personalities were just too similar. We both don’t talk a whole lot, but I didn’t really think that was a long term problem. She also wants to live in an urban area whereas I want to live in a rural area. And she mentioned a slight annoyance of me hanging around her while she did her homework. Besides the catholic thing, these were all problems that I thought could be easily worked out over the course of our relationship. But, she didn’t communicate any of these feelings until the day that she broke up with me. I felt blindsided. I feel like I never got the chance to fix or address any of these issues. I saw some of the problems like us being non talkative. But I was relying and trusting in the Lord that those problems would get fixed/resolved through good communication and general growth as people. I do have to admit, I made some mistakes in the relationship. I lead the relationship a little too fast and I had addressed that with her and we agreed to slow it down.
She says that she just wasn’t ready for a relationship and that she didn’t know if I was the right person for her. What I wanna know is if I should keep avoiding her like I have been or if I should eventually try to be friends with her again? Right now, after all that she’s put me through with the breakup, I don’t know if I can do that. I know she doesn’t want to get back together and if she did and came to me about it, I’d have to take a lot of time to think and pray about it. I know I should probably just leave it. But I can’t stand being around her like this. It brings back too many emotions and I feel like I’m having an anxiety attack every time I see her. And it’s every day! How do I deal with this? Do I become friends with her somehow? Do I get new friends? For the next 2 years, as long as I’m in college, it’s kinda impossible to avoid her. And she’s also been going to both my church and her catholic mass on Sundays. And she still goes to my Bible study on Wednesdays. It seems like I can’t get away from her sometimes. And I can’t tell her to stop going to my church or my Bible study. I feel like it’s impossible for me to properly heal when I see her this much and it’s out of my control. What advice do you have for me? Sorry for the essay I just made you read.
Hello Isaac I am glad you found my article helpful, and I’d be glad to try to help. Sorry for the delay in my response.
I am sorry this happened and I get that it is difficult when you see her so often. I think much of this difficulty, both in the relationship and in the pain afterwards, is because of it being your first relationship for both of you. Communication is the hardest part of any relationship and it is a skill to learn. Communication in a romantic relationship makes it even harder most of the time. Feeling can complicate the chain of communication, and if boundaries get crossed physically, that makes it way worse. Studying James and Proverbs is the best place I can think of to learn about communication. For example, Proverbs 15:1 and James 1:19.
I agree the biggest issue is the catholic vs protestant part, but the rest of it probably could be worked out in time pretty easily. I see this as a non-negotiable because you want to be able to do life with one another, and the most important part of that for a christian is being committed to a local church together. Even if one of you compromise, there would probably be tension there for the rest of your life. Which you don’t want.
I would probably feel blindsided as well with the relationship being that fast, but honestly you don’t want to waste time in a relationship once you believe it won’t work out. It would be really hard to get past the catholic vs protestant part alone. I think there also may be a part since y’all were good friends first that lead to confusion in feelings. Being friends first is great and I think it is best, but sometimes a person may think “hey I liked it better when we were just friends” and that is okay.
Ben Stuart talks about dating as an evaluation where as soon as you know you want to get married, you should take action or as soon as you know you don’t want to get married, you should take action as well. Learn more about this in his book. You will also learn a lot about dating, communication, and much more.
I’d also be upset if I didn’t get a chance to work on it but again, it is probably for the best considering that difference. Other than that difference, it really seems like y’all could have worked through it through communication.
I think the most important thing is to reflect on where you feel you went wrong and ask the Holy Spirit to help you see other things you may not see. To me the main thing it seems like is learning more about how to communicate specifically in bringing up conflict and then processing that disagreement in a healthy God honoring way. This is hard and I’ll be the first to say I am not great at it. Even if you are good at it she didn’t give you the opportunity to address it so that is on her partially, but maybe there would have been opportunities to ask questions to understand.
Now to answer your questions. I would try to find space where you can, but don’t fixate on trying to avoid her. I think overtime, especially since you only dated for a month, it will get easier and easier quickly. I suggest finding a men’s only bible study or small group in addition to or in replacement of your bible study that she attends. You need at least one faith filled environment away from her. I also believe there is so much of value in same gender small groups for going deep in your faith even outside of this circumstance.
As for the anxiety piece, pray preventively and in response to these feelings. Find verses like Psalms 23, John 14:27, and Philippians 4:7. And pray through these daily. Ask God to make these become evident in your life. When you see her, pray for peace in the moment and allow God to comfort you. Also, you can pray for her if you want since she is probably feeling similarly.
You don’t need to become friends with her again, but focus on your relationship with God and other men. If you get to a place where you feel at peace being friends again, then that is fine. If not, that is totally fine as well.
Maybe this Christmas break ahead will be helpful, that you will have some space away from her and time with family. You don’t need space forever, just enough to heal. You do need time to heal. Invite God in and be honest with him.
Let me know if you have follow-up questions / thoughts or if I am misunderstanding anything. Look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you for your advise and for taking the time to respond. There things you said are very helpful. I don’t think you misunderstood anything to be completely honest. I think you got it all down pretty good. I just wanted to update you on what’s all happened and to maybe get your opinion on some of the new stuff. I spoke with her and one of her friends (as a moderator, because my ex was uncomfortable talking to me alone). When we talked, I had a lot of questions for her. This talk happened about 1 month after the breakup. I wanted to have this talk with her because ever since we broke up, it had seemed like she moved on in an instant. She was laughing with her friends and smiling and having a good time ever since the breakup meanwhile I was a pitiful mess. This really bothered me because I was wondering how we could go from saying I love you and kissing one day, to the next where we don’t say a word to each other and it seemed like she didn’t care either way. It doesn’t seem like she cares at about what happened. I wrestled with this in my head for about a month until I finally talked with her. At first, she was unwilling to talk with me in person, but she was willing to have the conversation over text. I didn’t want to have the conversation over text because I felt this was too serious of a topic to have over text. A lot could be misunderstood. About a week after the text, I was talking with one of her friends and she convinced her to talk to me as long as the friend was around to moderate the conversation. When we finally talked, I asked her if she ever even loved me. She said that she didn’t know. She told me that when she said “I love you” during the relationship, she was trying to see if saying it out loud would convince her of actually loving me. I don’t think she ever truly loved me like I loved her. I don’t think she loved me at all. I saw a future with her. I was ready to marry her right after college. I don’t think she was ever thinking about the future with me. And that really hurts man. I’ve gone all my life without being loved by someone like that and I thought I finally had that when we were dating. But even then, I still didn’t have anyone who truly loved me for who I am. And that’s been messing with me ever since we talked. Before we talked, I had heard that she was getting sick of me moping around and that she had said that i “need to just get over the situation.” That tells me she never even cared. Or am I wrong in that assumption? I just wish she wouldn’t have said “I love you” if she didn’t truly mean it. Because in the moment, that tells me that she’s on board with the relationship and that we’re on the same page. We were obviously not on the same page and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. During our relationship, I could tell that she was holding something back for some reason, and I tried to address that while we were dating, but she just wouldn’t open up about it. What else could have I done? Idk, I’m healing, I can tell that much, but it comes in waves. I’m looking forward to this Christmas break and I’ll do all that I can to heal in a Godly manner. I just want peace man.
Again, thank you for all that you have done. And thank you for your time.
It is my pleasure to try and help and thank you for the update. That is great that you got to discuss and a moderator is always helpful for most conversations.
It is normal to be upset after a breakup, especially a first break up. Since she broke up with you she must have already came to a resolve to move on, so she had a head start on recovery that you didn’t. Additionally I think part of why it might be hard on you might be because of some idolization of her on your part. This is very easy to do in a relationship.
Basically when you aren’t getting your significance and security from God alone you place it in others. Then when that is removed it hurts a lot.
I also advise against using the phrase “I love you” early on in a relationship. This gets emotions moving faster than you are ready for. I encourage others to wait until at least engagement to say that phrase since it has so much weight.
When you say “I love you” you are giving commitment to that person. Until marriage there isn’t any actual on paper commitment so you could argue not saying “I love you” until then.
I know many will disagree with me here but this is part of the pain factor here. As discussed earlier, dating is evaluating if you want to marry not the marriage itself.
I don’t think her saying “you need to just get over the situation.” says she didn’t care about the relationship at all. While she may have carried about it less she carried about it enough to be in it in the first place. I think it says more about the fact that she processes it differnelly and had more time to process it.
This being said you can only work on yourself and worry will not help you become a better version of yourself. (Luke 12:25)
I think you did the right thing by trying to have a conversation about it, but it sounds like she already decided to move on for whatever reason or she just didn’t know how to talk about it. The second option speaks to what she said of not feeling ready for a relationship. If she doesn’t know how to process conflict she isn’t ready for a relationship.
In your healing process I recommend, much prayer, time with God away from distraction, join a men’s small group, and meet with a pastor and/or counselor. Lean on the Church and let them come around you.
Hi, thank you for this article. I was engaged to someone I loved dearly. He was the person who introduced God to me, and God used Him to ultimately save me. We were together for 4 years and then got engaged. I followed him out to university so that would wedding planning could be easier. In June, he ended up breaking up with me because his family no longer supported our relationship. He blocked me and told me to never talk to him again so he can move on. I really never received any closure and I did my best to fight for our relationship by going to my pastors and asking them if they would help us. However, my ex and his family refused to see me or our pastors in person. It’s almost December now, and I ended up staying home this semester from university to truly heal and be with my family. I am feeling completely lost and as if I no longer have a purpose in life anymore. I know I am to serve God, and I still strive to do that daily. However, I really wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything. I have done a lot of self reflecting and God has been refining me inside and out. However, I don’t know where to go next. I need to go back to university but I am not able to go back to my previous university since my ex is there and it would only cause me more pain and trouble. Like I said before, I am blocked by him. He never really explained anything to me other than accusing me of lying about my past traumas to get attention. He said he has to always trust and choose his blood more than anyone else, so he had to leave me. I still love him and care for him. I am doing my best to focus on serving God and having eyes only for Him, but for some reason I am still sad about my ex. It wasn’t only him I had lost, his family ended up becoming my family as well, they were even going to adopt me. I lost my university, and I lost my friends and churches. I don’t really have a church anymore since I was nit invited back to the church we attended.
I don’t know what to do other than knowing I need to go back to school to finish my degree. I just don’t know where. I am torn. And I am scared.
Hello Lexi I am sorry for such a difficult situation and I apologize for my delayed reply.
Family dysfunction is so hard to navigate and it can hurt those we care about. It sounds like there is a lot of family unhealth on his side that isn’t fair to you. This resulted in him choosing his family over a new family with you. This isn’t always easy but as Genesis 2:24 talks about, “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife.”
To be transparent I sometimes struggle with how this seems to have tension with Exodus 20:12, but he should have honored his parents while at the same time starting a new life with you.
If he couldn’t do this there would have been tension there for the rest of your life together, so while it hurts it is for the best for you to find someone who will live out Genesis 2:24 with you.
This doesn’t mean not honoring but it does mean creating a new family.
It is normal to be sad about your ex since you spent so much life together. Don’t beat yourself up for being sad, but instead bring that to Jesus and pray for Him to carry this burden for you (Matthew 11:28-30).
Since you don’t feel comfortable at that church I suggest finding a new church near you that has a college / young adult ministry. Then attend normal services there but by also attending a college / young adult ministry then you get to connect with people in your same season of life so you won’t feel alone anymore. Join a small group of women as well that can come around you. I also think serving in the church in some capacity would be great. It sounds like you love kids, so I encourage you to try serving in children’s ministry. I personally serve 4th and 5th grade and LOVE it. Maybe through all of this God reveals a call to ministry in some way.
As for going back to school I agree you should go and finish your degree when you can. Maybe you see if you can do online classes so you don’t feel you have to transfer, you could transfer somewhere else, or maybe by doing online school for a semester or so you will feel better about going back to the same school in person.
It is usually pretty easy to transfer so I wouldn’t let that stop you from finding a school you feel safe and happy to attend. Maybe after joining a small group and college ministry you would want to transfer somewhere you know other women are attending, so you can attend with them.
The most important thing is to get your own firm foundation in Christ. Since you came to Christ in this relationship your faith’s foundation probably has some parts of him and his family. Since those parts were pulled away that can lead to some extra uncertainty. By finding a church you can belong to. We weren’t meant to do faith on our own. Learn into prayer and trusted Christian women.
Let me know if this was helpful, if you have any further thoughts, or further questions. I am praying for you.
Below are two sermons my church did on family dysfunction if you want to learn more about this.
How Do I Break the Cycle of Dysfunction?
How Do I Break the Cycle of Dysfunction? Part 2
Thank you so much for sharing, Matt! I wondered if you would be willing to share about your breakup at all? I am about 3 months into my breakup following a ~2 year relationship. I’m 25 and this was my first relationship, as I had prayed for a long time that the Lord would bring me the right person at the right time, so I refrained from dating until I felt I had the green light from the Lord. With that in mind, being broken up with came totally out of the blue for me. What has made it particularly hard to let go is that I thought the Lord made it so clear to me that this was going to be my husband, as He opened so many doors throughout our relationship to help us grow closer to each other and have our relationship prosper. We watched and discussed sermons together, prayed together daily, and studied the Bible together.
I have taken a lot of time to reflect on things I could have done better, like you suggest. As we get further into this breakup, I’ve definitely started to feel more critical of my ex so I pray regularly for a soft heart towards him and that whenever I am finding “specks” in his eye, I pray the Lord would show me if I have a plank in my own eye. My ex’s reason for the breakup was that his feelings had changed with no explanation. He later realized there were things about himself that he needed to work on in order to be in a fulfilling relationship, and he is establishing a more firm foundation for his faith during this time (he was not a passionate believer before our relationship), which is a wonderful thing. He said he could be open to the possibility of trying again someday, but of course there is no guarantee. I know that if he doesn’t want it and the Lord doesn’t want it, I certainly don’t want it.
The challenge for me has been that despite all of my reflection on our relationship, and even after acknowledging flaws/areas where I would need things to be handled differently (all small, fixable things), I still believe in my heart that this is my person. Of course, I know the heart is deceitful. I have been diving deeper than ever before into prayer, Bible study, and building a church community. This has all been huge for my healing journey! Yet, I still am struggling to accept that this person may not be in my future. I still have so many questions for my ex, but we have been without contact for the last month. I feel the Lord’s call to wait and trust in Him, and not try to fix this in my own understanding. I know that if I can’t let go of this old thing, the Lord can’t give me a new thing (whether that is somebody else in the future or a new, better version of my relationship with my ex). I know all of these things and yet I feel stuck in my hope that we will be brought back together. I suppose I am just looking for some guidance/encouragement, and if you are willing to share any parts of your story, that would be wonderful, but no pressure!
Hello Kaitlin, thank you for your comment. I don’t mind at all sharing about the breakup. I talked about this in this other comment above as well if that is helpful to read. I’ll also give some advice about other parts of your story as well.
The main reason for our breakup is I wasn’t ready for a God honoring relationship. I just got broken up with about a month or so prior to starting to date who is now my fiancée, Holly. The relationship before that was about 2 years and I had no business starting a relationship that fast after the last one. So when I started dating Holly since I wasn’t healed from the last relationship it was off to a bad start before it even began.
I just wasn’t healed, especially since the relationship before was one that I thought could end in marriage at the time.
After me and Holly dated for about 2-3 months the first time I had to break up with Holly because I wasn’t in a good place to date which clouded my judgement as a result I couldn’t see the great parts of Holly cause I was a mess. At the time I told Holly I just thought we would be better as just friends, but that is because I couldn’t see at the time how much I needed to work on my own sanctification. What I should have said is I need to work on being more like Christ before I can date, but I couldn’t see that at the time.
Let me know if you have other questions about the breakup. Based on the rest of your story you shared here is some further guidance and encouragement.
It is definitely wise of you to wait to date until you felt God was leading you to that. As I said above I wish I did that better in my past. One thing I would suggest being careful with is any intimate prayer or bible study before marriage. There are physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries that we should follow in a relationship. The physical are talked about a lot but emotional and spiritual not as much. Emotional is like not saying I love you too early (I advise not till engagement), and spiritual is being careful with prayer together. Like prayer in groups or over meals but the rest would be reserved for marriage. This may feel weird but the more intimate you become spiritually the more you will be intimate in other areas leading to crossed boundaries you don’t want to cross.
I am sorry he didn’t give you more of an explanation. That sounds kinda similar to my feeling for our breakup but it was different since for us we only dated a few months first. I would focus on your healing and less on the reasons he decided to end the relationship. Your goal should be to be more like Christ and that would take care of anything you need to work on. This should also be his goal and you can pray that God would do that in him but that is on your Ex to allow God to do in his life.
As for healing, it sounds like you are doing all the right things by, “diving deeper than ever before into prayer, Bible study, and building a church community”. This is how not only you will feel healed but how you will be a better reflection of Christ. I encourage you to keep doing this more and more. As you keep chasing after God you will likely find a guy that is also doing the same that would be good to date. That may or may not be your ex, but because you are finding him running at your pace that tells you that he could be in God’s will for you.
Since you said he wasn’t a passionate believer before the relationship I would caution you to remember to be equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14) as you start your next relationship. If you aren’t equally yoked you will always be held back in your faith instead of calling each other forward.
As for if he is still your person. The bible doesn’t say anything about soulmates and suggests there are likely many people who could be compatible for marriage instead of there being “the one”. As a result as discussed above I suggest focusing on your faith journey and finding who may be along that journey that also has a devout commitment to Christ. This may end up being your ex, but it also may likely not be and that is okay.
As you said, letting go of the old thing to allow God to move in the new is important. It may be that the old thing becomes the new thing, but your part is to ensure God is number one in your life and chase after him. God will then provide what you need along the way in his perfect timing. I unpack this priorities piece in my other article on, Importance of Priorities During Life Change for Christians, that you may benefit from.
I hope this was helpful. Please let me know if you have any other thoughts or follow up questions. I am praying for you.
My engagement was just called off. They were my first relationship and there was a lot of learning but left feeling like not enough grace to learn from mistakes. I know the Lord can restore anything if it’s in his will, but what if the other person refuses to forgive and believe that I can change?
Hello Emma, I am sorry to hear that. Yes God can restore anything if He wills, but if this person isn’t giving you equal parts grace and truth then it is probably best to move on. Furthermore be grateful you found out this issue on this side of marriage and not after becoming one. While it is very difficult separation is likely the best thing for you to find someone who loves you like Christ with truth and grace. Now I am not saying you don’t need to grow and work on yourself, but if they aren’t forgiving you now they may never forgive you and you don’t want to be in a lifelong relationship based on un-forgiveness. That would result in always trying to earn love from them. From my understanding of the circumstances i’d say it is best to move on while also allowing God to heal you, but I encourage you to seek counsel from fellow believers who know your circumstances better.
I am in a similar situation as K. However, we were no contact for 2.5 years and one day she reached out to me apologizing. She stated she is where she is today due to what happened and after prayer she decided to reach out and stated she now knows what she wants. I have always loved this person dearly but was at a point where I thought I would have to live with loving from a distance but truly never saw/felt something with someone as much as I did with them. Her relationship with the Lord was different. The issue now is I was dating someone else when they reached out and still am. But, I never responded out of respect for my current relationship. Since then, I seem to be second guessing everything while not to mention there were other things that also occurred in the current relationship to stir such thoughts of confusion. Any advice here Matt?
Hello T, I would not end a relationship because of something that may seem better. I would encourage focusing on your current relationship and where God is leading you there. Try to be content with your current relationship while also evaluating if you see your current relationship going towards marriage. If you decide through prayer that you don’t see yourself pursuing marriage with this woman, then end the relationship gracefully. Then I would encourage some time of healing and personal reflection as I outline in the article above. I would give yourself at least a few months to reply to your ex to decide if you want to reply. You may reply and accept her apology and then say sorry for anything you did and say if you are or are not interested in considering a future relationship. The biggest question to consider is whether you truly want to try the relationship again. Do you see that they (and you) have resolved anything that led to its ending last time? I would also encourage you to talk to your friends about it even if you are afraid of what they may say. The counsel you need isn’t always easy to hear, but you get to decide what you will do next.
Again, stay loyal to your current relationship as long as you are in it, then if you break up work on healing and reflecting, then consider your reply.
I also encourage you to think about the contentment piece. While right now you aren’t married, so you don’t have any official commitment, just remember this would be completely different in marriage. If you are married and a woman tries to kindle a relationship, then that can’t be an option. I am sure you believe that, but if you aren’t careful, you could bring a wrong mentality into marriage.
I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you have any follow-up questions.
Hey Matt,
I’m going through a really rough breakup since it was hurtful. My boyfriend cheated on me but says he regrets it deeply and wants to change and is working on bettering himself. I feel very hurt, but I also keep the word in thought and think about how often we betray God and he still loves us. I believe that I can forgive him after awhile. I believe that God put us in this situation to grow closer to him and stop putting each other above him. However, I am struggling with the whole no contact rule. We both don’t want to stop talking to each other and are just trying to understand where things went wrong. Although we talk about our feelings we aren’t talking all day just once or twice throughout the day and we still take time to better ourselves and really reach out to God. I want to meet up and talk about how God can change in our lives and possibly go to Church together. I know people will say he cheated why would you try again, but in this situation I think about how Peter denied God three times and then gave his whole heart to him after. Am I doing this all wrong?
Hello Alana,
I am sorry to hear that you were cheated on. I agree that it is important to forgive others even when it is really hard to. Especially when we consider everything Christ has forgiven us of (Ephesians 4:32). This being said this doesn’t always mean you must reconcile. If you believe he has really changed and fixed the underlying issues that lead to him cheating on you then considering trying it again could make sense if you still could consider marrying him. I would also consider if you can truly forgive him and trust him again in the near future. If you can’t (which is totally understandable) then I wouldn’t try again because that leads to a relationship without trust which won’t ever work well.
If you just want to be friends now that is another thing entirely. If you want to spend time together I recommend seeing each other in group settings, and not in one on one environments. If you hang out one on one you are basically acting like you are dating even if you aren’t official. Also by doing this you will probably start dating sooner then you probably want.
If no contact is the issue then I would be friends in groups, but if you want to get back together I’d really ask yourself if you could see youself marrying him down the line. If you can’t then I would suggest moving on.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any follow up questions.
Hey Matt, my name is Chloe! My ex-boyfriend and I got together on November 5, 2023, and we broke up on January 17th of this year. At the beginning of our relationship, we had Christ at the center. We were running after God so hard that we naturally just fell in love with each other. We didn’t have to chase each other because we were already chasing God so hard. We would do Bible studies together multiple times a week, pray every single day, and go to church every Sunday. It was great until things started to change.
Around November last year, we felt a spiritual distance from one another. Prior to that, we stopped praying every single day because we felt that it was chipping away at our personal time with God, even though we had always made it a priority to pray every night before bed. That was okay for us. We started praying when we could, which was still multiple times a week. We also stopped doing as many Bible studies as time went on. But it wasn’t too big a deal until November, or even a little before. It was a steady decline in us doing these good things. We would still go to church every Sunday, though.
When we would do these Bible studies together, nothing was uplifting about them. He was always sad, and I tried to be there as much as I could. I noticed him starting to become sad in multiple areas of his life. The performance of our relationship started to decline. We didn’t completely stop doing all these godly things together, but it was at a minimum. We just felt so distanced from one another. I got to a point where I was focusing on our relationship so much, questioning why nothing was changing. I even talked to him many times about how stagnant our relationship felt, but it always seemed like he was closed off and going through a lot. I couldn’t really read the situation.
All I knew was that things used to be totally different. I wanted to be there for him the best I could, but I became worn out doing that. It frustrated me so much that nothing would change that I started to only look at the bad in him, which is horrible. I started to question every little detail of our relationship. I wish things were different because he’s my person, but they aren’t. I want them to be. We went on a week-long break from one another, came back together, reflected on things, and continued as if not much had happened. A few days after the break, I called him and proposed the idea that we might want to break up. He continued to tell me that the break was helpful to him and that he was doing better staying closer to God without me. I agree with that. I was growing closer to God, but obviously still pretty upset. I told him I felt that God was taking us on different paths in life, and he agreed with that also. The decision we made together to break up was super peaceful at the moment. No blood. It was peaceful. It was super hard, obviously. We had grown to love each other and know God together on a spiritual level. It was hard to leave him. He didn’t attend our Sunday school class or church this Sunday, and that hurts.
I found myself questioning everything in our relationship, and that’s not okay. I definitely feel like there are things I need to work on. But there are also things he needs to work on. There was a tugging feeling of anxiety before we broke up. I really felt like God was leading me to that. This is the beginning of day three without him, and I’m in so much pain. I can’t even gather my thoughts and come to God about it. I thought I would raise a godly family with him one day, and I just can’t imagine my life without him. I know God is number one, but I feel so mentally unstable that I can’t give Him the time He needs. I’m hopeful we will get back together again, but I will also keep him in my prayers every day. Thank you for reading!
Hello Chloe, Thank you for your comment and I apologize for my very delayed response. At this point, I am sure you have more clarity and have likely been able to step in whatever direction the Lord has led you. I am glad your relationship was based around God and that you were pointing each other towards him. The main thing to be cautious of is not letting our relationship with God be based on another person. Since if that person leaves, then the relationship with God also leaves. Now that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t impact our faith, because they should have an impact Hebrews 10:25, Proverbs 27:17, ect, but putting our connection with God all in the basket on one person opens us up to a lot of risk and puts an idol between us and God. Not saying you were or are doing that, just something to keep in mind. Additionally, one-on-one prayer and bible studies and such can be very intimate, which can be an issue before marriage because it could bring intimacy into other areas of your relationship too early. Just something to be careful about not to avoid 100%. It can be good to have this type of time with others and not 1 on 1 to be safe.
It is super hard to break up for sure, especially when you have invested a lot of time in the relationship. I am glad you had peace in the decision to break up, even with it being hard, and I understand how you may feel regret or want things to change later. This makes me think about Proverbs 3:5-6 in the aspect of “lean not on your own understanding” when we lean on God’s understanding He provides a fountain of peace but when we step out of His understanding and into our own understanding, we start to feel anxiousness and pain. What I mean is you may have been under His understanding when you broke up and that came with peace, but then later you may have leaned on your own understanding, which came with anxiousness and doubt. So if that is the case, how can you lean on God’s understanding in this new situation? How are you feeling now and has anything changed?
I am glad you are continuing to go after God and praying for your own needs along with that God would work in your ex. I am sorry you feel mentally unstable. I pray you are feeling much better at this point. You are doing the right things by praying and going to God. Focusing on God and trusting Jesus with your burdens of thoughts and emotions, Matthew 11:28-30, then praying for others like your ex as you can if you feel God leading you to do so.
Praise Jesus Christ. I am going through a hard time right now. I have a boyfriend who was in a relationship before, and they had children together. The woman left him for another man, but things did not go well for her. Now she wants to come back to her children, but my boyfriend does not want her back. My boyfriend is a Christian, and I am also a Christian. We are still dating, and I am asking myself if I should let him go because this woman wants to get back with him, but he does not want her back since she left him for another man. I need your help, please.
Hello Nantongo, I am sorry you are going through this. This is a particularly challenging situation to navigate and I am not sure how much I can help but I will give some thoughts that come to mind. I always advise leaning on your local church by meeting with pastors and trusted church members to have them support you.
That being said, were they married when they had children? Sexual immorality is one of the only grounds for biblical divorce (Matthew 5:31-32), so if they were married, He is justified in moving on. A relevant section of scripture to meditate on is 1 Corinthians 7 and especially 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. This talks about not remarrying in hopes of being reconciled. However, that is speaking simply, separating without a purpose. Jesus clearly says “divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,” which applies here, I believe.
It is hard to say what you should do, but I am not hearing anything in your story that would suggest you should break up with your boyfriend. It seems like the other woman is not being a good mother to her kids since she isn’t being a good example of Christ, and as such, your boyfriend is making a good decision to set a boundary of not letting her come back into his life. His first responsibility is to God, then his spouse, which may be you one day, then his children, and bringing back someone who is unstable and uncommitted could hurt you and them deeply. It also seems like your boyfriend is honoring your relationship, which is a great sign.
I think the biggest thing the kids need is to have a loving, consistent, and Godly parental influence in their lives. I would suggest that you two get married sooner rather than later and sort out any custody agreements needed that allow for the kids to see both parents, but the share of time should be prioritized toward the healthy environment (your household). While you can’t avoid contact with the mom of the kids, this allows everyone to take a step forward. Your marriage is also a signal to her that she is no longer welcome in that way. Now, if you and your boyfriend are not able to agree to the covenant of marriage yet, then make sure you can commit to that first, but sooner the better, considering the children and situation.
Let me know if you have further comments. Seek the Lord’s wisdom through prayer (James 1:5-8) and fellow believers (Hebrews 10:25).
Hey Matt! Thanks for this article. I’m an active member and Department Head of my local church, work full-time in tech, and am a member of social groups. I guess I should know better, but matters of the heart seem not to be a respecter of persons. I’m a 37-year-old widow (I lost my husband of 12 years about 4 years ago) with 3 kids, and I met my ex through a mutual business contact about 2 years ago. We started as friends and gradually realized it was more, then officially started dating.
From the beginning, I took the relationship to God, but along the line, I fell into sexual sin. We both prayed and repented and tried to do better, but somehow kept falling. We prayed together, went to church together (although different churches), fasted together, and planned goals together. We were so in tune—mentally, in values, and world perspectives, and he was good with my kids. So many factors were against the relationship—an age gap (he’s slightly younger) and finance (I earn way more than him)—but we looked past all that, and we were working together.
Suddenly, in the last few months, I noticed a shift in our relationship and discussed it with him numerous times. He apologized and was always better for a while, but it just wasn’t the same. I spoke with a senior Pastor, and he said sometimes men need space to think and don’t know how to communicate, and I should just keep praying and trusting God. Finally, I confronted him a week ago on the status of our relationship, and he stated he didn’t love me and was confused about everything in his life right now. I told him I wouldn’t settle for less, and he didn’t challenge it, and that was that.
He refuses to do no contact even when I don’t reply; he texts me every day to check up on me. Sometimes I read his messages and don’t reply, but he just keeps texting at least once a day—nothing about our relationship, just welfare and work checks. I was convinced God said he was His will for my life, and I felt I received numerous confirmations, but well… I’ve been rediscovering a new walk with God, but I just feel so heartbroken and confused. God has been faithful and is very clear on a lot of things in my life. Everybody knows I am the Apple of His Eye! But this has got me in a muddle. Let me send this before my mind corrects itself. P.S. from Nigeria
Hello Andi, Thank you for your comment and I apologize for my very delayed response.
I am glad you are involved in your local church in Nigeria! Being connected is so important for spiritual growth and giving back. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I am sure that can make it harder to date as well.
You did the right thing of seeking counsel from trusted mentors in your life. Something giving men (or anyone for that matter) space is important for sure. However, at some point, there needs to be work done to progress the relationship or situation. As my mentor says, “bad news doesn’t get better with time.”
I am glad you took the relationship to God from the start. For any relationship to be healthy romantically or not, God should be at the center. Even when that is done, we can still mess up since we are fallen people. Repenting like you did is important, but maybe the missing piece was accountability? Learn more about effective accountability here.
As far as communication goes, I am not sure if there is a need to discuss “welfare and work checks” but I am sure it doesn’t need to be daily. Boundaries are hard to hold sometimes, but it seems like that is what is needed here. I consider what you need the boundaries to be and then communicate that to him. Then, if he goes against them, you can kindly remind him of the boundary, but if he keeps going against that, then you may need to block him or do other things like that.
Keep praying for clarity and wisdom on how to move forward. God is with you and for you. Consider Philippians 4:4-7 and James 1:5 in how you are feeling right now. Keep leaning on your church community and make sure you have wise women speaking into your life.
Let me know if you have other thoughts or questions. Praying for you in this season.
I enjoyed your writing here. However, the book reference (Andy Stanley) turned me away. I have heard his teachings and listened to his life’s words and am in no way able to take his recommendations on anything. Other than that this could be a good read.
Hey Donna, I am glad you enjoyed this article. I agree that many of Andy Stanley’s more recent teachings and writings are questionable. This book came out in 2012. By sharing this book, I am not endorsing all of his work, just what he shares in this book. Remember, everything other than the bible is fallible, meaning we must take everything we learn back to the word of God to inform our thinking.
I really liked this article! I’m having a hard time getting over the first guy who was kind and good to me, and we never dated but were more than friends and we went through a lot together in high school which definitely bonded us. We drifted away afterwards and I saw him again years later (which was recently, since I realized I missed him a lot), and while he was kind but he didn’t seem like he necessarily wanted to try to reconnect and he just felt more like he didn’t really care that much about me anymore and had moved on. He wasn’t Christian (I’m Catholic and I’d hope to date someone who also believes in God), so deep down I knew I could never end up with him. It’s just so hard to forget about someone who cared about me so much and played such a pivotal role in my life, and was the first guy to be so kind. I miss him so much and I just get scared what if I never get over him or what if I never find someone who I feel that connection with? I’m only 20 so I know I’m still kind of young, haha, but still.
Thank you Ivoreen for reaching out and for the encouragement.
These types of feeling can be really hard to navigate for sure. Maybe focusing on what the characteristics that you really like in this guy are and channeling that into prayer for God to bring the right type of guy that is like that and also follows in Jesus. The most important shared value in any relationship is definitely faith and finding someone that follows Jesus and really goes after him is so important. If you continue to pursue after God, I’m sure God will put the right guy in your life that’s also pursuing after God. Just remember, it will be in his timing.
It’s really easy to let your age get you down and thinking about dating and finding a partner. Remember God is good at his timing is good even if we don’t understand it. You’re right you’re if you’re only 20 you got plenty of time but even if you’re older, God can still work in a big way.
In God’s timing, I’m sure you will find someone that’s even better than this person. Remember that God is crazy about you more than any guy could ever be, but you will find someone that is above reproach, follows Jesus, and loves/cares for you the way Jesus loves the Church (Ephesians 5:25).
In Christ,
Matt
Hello Matt. I’m from Brazil and I needed a word like this, God bless your life. I’m going through a breakup of a relationship that only lasted 2 months. We prayed and received confirmation from God before starting, however, we ended the relationship. She is from my church and it’s difficult to see her every service. I serve in ministries and she is there at every service. It has been difficult to get over, because the memories always come back. How can I act in this situation where we are from the same church? Thank you.
Hey Daniel,
I’m sorry you’re going through this tough time. I understand it can be really difficult when you go to the same church. This is gonna be as you did something wrong. It’s just a reality of dating as a Christian.
I just added a new to the article above covering how to navigate to break up when you go to the same church. Hopefully this new section is helpful.
There is no easy solution for what to do, and I agree you shouldn’t abandon your church or an area you serve in. The biggest thing is prayer and creating as much space as possible. Also treating her with respect when you do see her. Try to let the awkward and sad emotions that happen when you see her or when you think about her, be a trigger to remind you to pray and ask God for guidance and peace.
Let me know if you have other thoughts once you’ve read this and the section above.
In Christ,
Matt Enser
Hola
Cómo está, termine una relación de 3 años y medio, con muchos bajos que altos, los dos somos cristianos y en nuestra relación en vez de acercarnos a Dios nos alejamos.
Aunque creemos que fue lo correcto en terminar, ya que también teníamos que tomar la decisión de casarnos o no mi ex pareja le cuesta el compromiso y no estaba listo para hacerlo, decidimos aún con mayor razón terminar
Es muy difícil para mí todo esto,lo veo en nuestra iglesia local y solo ahora mi confianza está en Dios.
El aún me habla y quiere tener aún contacto conmigo,cómo por ejemplo entregarme el regalo de navidad y no sé si eso sería bueno o prudente que se hiciera?
Que piensa ?
Muchas gracias
Estaré atenta a su respuesta
Bendiciones
Hola, Jessica:
Gracias por ponerte en contacto con nosotros. Sin duda, es una situación difícil. Lo más importante, como tú misma has dicho, es confiar en Dios, especialmente en una situación tan difícil como esta.
Estoy de acuerdo en que quizá no sea lo más sensato que mantengáis una relación tan estrecha como para haceros regalos, sobre todo tan cerca de la ruptura.
Personalmente, yo intentaría distanciarme de él de forma respetuosa. Eso no significa ser mala con él o decir cosas malas sobre él, sino simplemente centrarse en mantener una distancia saludable. Puedes rezar por él desde la distancia si quieres y pedirle a Dios que te ayude a entender cómo manejar las cosas cuando él intente hablar contigo y acercarse a ti.
Creo que una vez que sientas que ha pasado el tiempo suficiente y te sientas más recuperada, podrás estar más receptiva a una amistad, pero eso complica las futuras relaciones románticas.
Otro factor es cómo se mantuvieron los límites. Cuantos más límites se hayan traspasado, más difícil será ser solo amigos después de una relación. No digo que ese sea el caso, solo es algo a tener en cuenta.
En general, creo que vas por buen camino, asegurándote de tener a tu alrededor mujeres creyentes fuertes que te apoyen y te ayuden a pensar y orar por tu situación. Trabajar en tu relación con Dios y convertirte en la mujer que Él quiere que seas es el siguiente paso más importante.
Proverbios 18:10 y Romanos 8:28 me vienen a la mente como versículos útiles en tu situación.
Espero no haber perdido nada en la traducción. Avísame si hay algo que no te queda claro o si tienes alguna pregunta adicional.
En Cristo,
Matt
I feel super late to the conversation, but had to say this was an awesome read. It really spoke to me and is a huge help, thank you!
Thank you for your kind words, very encouraging! I am really glad you found it helpful for you and it spoke to your circumstances.
Hi Matt,
Thank you for the article, there’s just so much wisdom here, and I thank God I stumbled across this.
I was hoping I could share a very recent experience with you concerning a “break up”. I put these in quotation marks because I’m not even sure if it can be considered as such. We were actually only truly dating for 1 month (but we’d been talking in Church, here and there, for 3 months prior). We confirmed the “break up” literally 1 day ago, just for context to how fresh this is.
The Onset-
I came to the church with the intention of just finding a new church home. But then I was approached by this person literally straight away. It was very clear that he was interested in me, very clear in those 3 months. I wasn’t sure about things at first because I really didn’t want to date anyone in church (due to fears that if we were to break up, it’d just be SO long to manage the aftermath, as I can’t ‘outta sight, outta mind’ things); but also because I’d only just come to the church; and I wasn’t sure if I was truly attracted to him.
Long story short, I finally bit the bullet and accepted his persistent request to take me on a date. From that point, the attraction grew, but it was more so because he was telling me every single thing I wanted to hear. We talked about plans for marriage, affirmed me, his words and actions were matching, and this is just something that I’d wanted from a guy for a LONG time.
The Turning Point-
However, things took a bad turn due to miscommunication and misunderstandings, which he felt that we couldn’t come back from. I disagreed, and felt like things could be resolved, and I felt he was taking the easy way out by retreating immediately. He felt that “issues” shouldn’t have occurred this early on, and I felt that it was unfair to act like there was no context to what we were facing- we could see the problem clearly, and it was just to work towards a resolve, and that it was actually a good thing that this had been revealed to us early on. But I essentially agreed that we wouldn’t last long term, but my reason was based on his response to this “issue”.
I can’t explain just how torn up about this I was. It hurt more because of everything we’d talked about, promised to each other, and hoped for with regards to “our” future. What makes it worse is that I have a very good relationship with his family, and some of his closest friends, and we all go to the same church, in which the church is not THAT big, so we always cross paths.
My first question-
I guess I just want to know if what I’m feeling makes sense, or if the situation really wasn’t that deep, especially after it lasted probably for a month? The last thing I want to do is act out of emotion, and leave the church, but is space from the church really necessary after this wasn’t even a proper “relationship”?
My internal reflections-
I also wanted to highlight that there were a plethora of reasons that I should’ve left him, even before any “issues”. I don’t want to divulge those details, but these were things that wouldn’t make for a God-fearing partnership at that time, and I knew that.
1.The problem is, I stayed because I always try to take the reins from God, and think I can “change” things myself, e.g. I can make someone the ideal package.
2.My other problem is that I have such a strong desire for marriage and relationship, I’ve been single for so long, and I just want that love- this desire is so strong that it really stopped me from leaving something that I knew wasn’t good for me spiritually (not that things couldn’t improve though).
3.The other problem I have is that I want things quickly e.g. I want all the words of affirmation, I want the boyfriend and girlfriend title, I want him to be infatuated with me so he doesn’t leave, and because of these things and more, I always skip the part of friendship because I just think it takes too much time – why can’t I have a relationship where the guy is intentional from the get-go and we ride off into the sunset after a month or two?
My current position-
I know there will be more hurt in future, more heartbreak from different situations, that’s life. I’m just wondering how I can move forward from this, and prepare myself to deal with these types of situations better. I find it almost pathetic of myself to be so caught up on this because we really didn’t last long at all, and people have gone through SO much worse.
Nevertheless, I am practicing praying for him instead of seeping in anger and bitterness; I intend to speak to the Pastor because I think it’s important to let wise counsel into your situations; but I also do want to take a break from the Church (and visit another closeby for a while).
Anything you share will help, but if anything, please do pray for me. And God bless you!
Hello Joy,
First I apologize for the delay, but I hope this is still helpful and that God has been brining healing over the last month.
It is always normal for any relationship ending romantic or otherwise to be difficult. Obviously with more time it does often get more painful, but when we follow God’s structure (physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries) for dating it is safest. While we will always experience some sadness around it ending that sadness is about ending but not sadness compiled with damage.
That being said this doesn’t mean you should abandon dating in the church is bad, cause it is actually the best option because of the pool of men you are searching in. Also you get to see how men serve others and get to know them before they are trying earn your affection. This can give you a better judge of their true character which it isn’t romantically motivated.
It could totally be a different church if that is needed for your health and recovery, but that isn’t always needed especially when good boundaries are in place. The most important thing is to not give up on the church which I know you aren’t.
You mentioned y’all discussed marriage and future already in the first month which could be too early, but this depends on age and maturity to an extent. Not a hard rule just something to be careful with because planing future heightens emotions and perceived commitment (until marriage there is not actually commitment) which leads to more pain and potentially broken boundaries.
My thoughts on your internal reflections:
1. It is great that you have this self awareness. This is very common and shows it self in many ways. Essential this is being unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14). We often think about this verse in the context of dating/marrying a non believer but we can also think about it as people in different stages of faith. While we it always won’t be exactly equal we also don’t want to drag someone or have to be dragged by someone else.
2. It is completely pure to have a desire of marriage and you should be honest with God about that. However like anything it is important that it isn’t an idol that get’s put before God. The second part of your statement about not wanting to leave something behind is like the sunk cost fallacy which is something I often struggle with since the Bible generally says to persevere is the right answer for example Romans 5:3-5. While that is true we also need to know when it is time move on and learn from the past experience without trying to right a ship that is unlikely to stop sinking.
Additionally if you didn’t see this leading into marriage or at least the marriage you would want for yourself. You are actually speeding up the process towards marriage by not wasting time in a relationship instead of preparing for the next one that could end in the marriage you are praying for.
3. Everything good takes time and everything worthwhile is uphill. Watching a man from the outside gives you the opportunity to see his heart (or lack of thereof) for Jesus and His people. I am not saying the wait isn’t hard cause it is but rushing into something could lead to a lifetime of regret. As discussed in the article my recommendation is to focus on becoming the women the intentional God fearing man you want to marry wants to marry by continuing to go after Jesus, being involved the the local church, and practicing daily disciplines of the faith like the Bible and having intentional reflection like you vulnerably shared with me here.
In closing
I love how you are praying for him and inviting God into your healing process as you reflect on the relationship. Invite trusted pastors and women of the faith to come around you. If you aren’t already in one consider joining a women’s small group.
Let me know if you have any follow up thoughts or questions. Praying for you.